Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 Review

Okay, seriously, is there some sort of collusion going on among screenwriters where they are trying to push people to books or some other kind of entertainment?

Seriously, I am having a hell of a time finding good movies to watch lately. Dark Tower was a disappointment, and Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 was so laughably bad that I spent the entire movie wondering which 9 year old’s fan fic got picked up for the screenplay.

Seriously. Where do I start?

The whole opening sequence went on WAY too long. The CGI was watery and flaccid. A handful of painful minutes watching baby Groot running around totally oblivious to the world around him, while all the others give groan-worthy quips each time they were thrown away from the monster.

I can count four times the entire movie that I actually cracked a smile and only two made me actually laugh.

Jax was completely worthless this entire movie. I honestly don’t know why they kept him. He’s not funny, his over the top joking and ridiculous laugh just made me cringe rather than chuckle. None of this jokes were funny.

CGI to make old people look young needs to stop. It’s all uncanny valley and ruins all the shots. Star Wars Rogue One was the worst offender in the last year but this one was up there as well.

The gold people were trite and over the top, acting like children the whole time. I did sensibly smile at the arcade-like notion of them all playing video games for war, but that was their only redeeming quality. The whole gag with the walking on the carpet was another cringe-worthy moment.

Sigh

I really don’t know if I’m just getting jaded by tired gags and paper-thin plots, or I’m just getting old and none of the jokes are funny to me anymore.

The only character I had any sort of emotional connection to in the entire movie was the guy that raised Starlord. His death scene was, and I’m not kidding here, the only good part of the entire movie. The rest was just trying to setup the big finale in Episode 3. Woo, pissed off gold people? This is the height of big-finishes?

Okay, I will give the sister plot line a nod, if I must. It was pretty well done, if a bit silly during, but the resolution at the end wrapped a decent bow on it. Still, polishing turds and convincing people at the end of the movie that the last two hours was amazing shouldn’t be the goal. Write an amazing movie, and a fantastic finish, so we walk out of the theater blown away. Don’t hit us with emotional overload at the end (denouement was WAY too long, btw) to divert us from a crappy rest of the movie.

I almost don’t want to watch #3 just because this one was so awful.

Till tomorrow,

Tom

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